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Not The End Of Me

Not The End Of Me

Who am I?

I don’t know…

Had I become that person I so despise?

My thoughts

Deep, dark, and unrecognizable

Who am I?

Did I just give up?

Given up on life, love, my passions, and everything in between

Who am I?

A cry baby

Weak

Distorted thoughts

State of confusion

Broken Spirit

Negative

Shaken

Stirred

Who am I?

A silent voice and distant eyes
That no one hears my cry’s

Who am I?

Drowning in the depths of sorrow,
with no tears left to cry.

Who am I?

© The Lupie Chick 2013

I’ve been was battling depression for the past 6 months. A lot of stress triggers has occurred with my relocation to Georgia, my employment, my health, and a multitude of other things. I leaned heavily on my sister- friends that keep praying for my recovery and strength to come out of this dark space. I was having uncontrollable crying spells, insomnia, panic attacks, nightmares (when I would finally sleep) and just an overall feeling of failure. I wanted to die. In my opinion, my spirit was already dead. I was in a very dark mind space and I couldn’t see my way out. While at one of my doctor visits, the doctor was asking me questions and I just looked up at him (as if I was possessed by a demon) and blurted out “I really don’t give a fuck right now.. Whatever you want to do is fine with me, I’m ready to go” I stood up and WALKED OUT, crying as I left his office. Later that evening I received a recorded call from Kroger pharmacy telling me my prescription was ready. [Insert demonic look and gas face] “What damn prescription?? I figured it was a wrong number and I ignored the message. 2 days later I received the recorded call again, I was in Kroger ( at Starbucks) and figured I would go over there and tell them to stop calling me ( they were using my day time minutes and I don’t have any to spare). When I reached the counter, the pharmacist acknowledged that I did have a prescription and it was ready. 

ME:  “YOU CAN KEEP IT- I HAVE NO INSURANCE & NO MONEY!”

Pharmacist: “Ms Dugar your cost is $4 and if you have Kroger points I can reduce that to $2” Me: [face twisted and annoyed] fine [mumbling and grumbling]

Pharmacist: Please step to the counseling window

ME: Continue face twisting/mumbling/grumbling

Pharmacist: You have been prescribed Zoloft. Zoloft is known to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), social anxiety disorder (SAD), and panic disorder. This medicine is an antidepressant called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI).

ME: [insert, hand on hip, pissed off stance] so what exactly are you saying because I didn’t ask for this?

Pharmacist: Ma’am you may want to call your physician, this prescription was called in

ME: Yeah, I’ma call him [pulls out phone and call doctor office]

After calming down a little and speaking with my physician, I now understand that his prescription wasn’t an insult to my mental stability; it was care, concern, and very well NEEDED! My physician began to tell me he sensed that I was stressed and I was displaying signs of depression. After finishing up the call, I went home, got on the Internet to do additional research.“Between 15 and 60 percent of people with a chronic illness will experience clinical depression. This may be brought on by lupus, by the various medications used to treat lupus, and/or by any of the factors and forces in a person’s life that are not related to lupus. For reasons that are not entirely understood, this type of depression is often experienced by people with chronic disease.”Lupus Foundation of America. 

 I encourage anyone that exhibits any of the following to consult with a physician.

·  Feelings of helplessness or hopelessness ·  Sadness ·  Crying (often without reason) ·  Insomnia or restless sleep, or sleeping too much ·  Changes in appetite leading to weight loss or weight gain ·  Feelings of uneasiness, anxiety, or irritability ·  Feelings of guilt or regret ·  Lowered self-esteem or feelings of worthlessness

·  Inability to concentrate or difficulty thinking ·  Diminished memory and recall ·  Indecisiveness ·  Lack of interest in things formerly enjoyed ·  Lack of energy ·  General slowing and clouding of mental functions ·  Diminished sexual interest and/or perfor­mance ·  Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

I’ve exhibited 15 out of the 16 signs above. As a friend or a family member- please do not assume that a person is having a pity party or just “need to get over it”. There were moments I wanted to die, and a friend response to me was “oh Sixx, come on now, you’re having a pity party”. Depression is very serious and HARD to overcome. I’m not 100% recovered (even with the help of Zoloft).  I take it day by day-sometimes-minute by minute. When I say THANK YOU [to my my inner circle]-it’s not just 2 words. I know I have a praying circle around me-and you’re prays has kept me covered. [ praise & testimony]

Facts About Clinical Depression and Lupus

• Between 15 and 60 percent of people with a chronic illness will experience clinical depression.
• Clinical depression may be a result of the ways in which lupus physically affects your body.
• Some of the medicines to treat lupus—especially corticosteroids such as prednisone (and at higher doses of 20 mg or more)—play a role in causing clinical depression.
• Clinical depression may be a result of the continuous series of emotional and psychological stressors associated with living with a chronic illness.
• Clinical depression may be a result of neurologic problems or experiences unrelated to lupus.
• Clinical depression also produces anxiety, which may aggravate physical symptoms (headache, stomach pain, etc.).
• Two common feelings associated with clinical depression are hopelessness and helplessness. People who feel hopeless believe that their distressing symptoms may never improve. People who feel helpless believe they are beyond help—that no one cares enough to help them or could succeed in helping, even if they tried.

 Keep in Touch

Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/TheLupieChickProject

Twitter: @lupieeChick

Instagram: @naturally_lupie

Blog: http://thelupiechick.blogspot.com

Email: lupiechick@gmail.com

Farewell Mishinda

Yesterday morning I was contacted by the aunt of one of my blog followers. I was taken aback by the call, as I’m super busy finalizing details for my upcoming event (Cupcakes & Cocktails). The caller sounded unsure as to whom she wanted to speak with.  As I waited to try and catch the voice she asked if she could speak with “The LupieChick”. I paused as I knew this was a Lupus related question as no one refers to me as the Lupie Chick in conversation. I acknowledged that I was the person she was looking for and she began to tell me about her niece, Mishinda. 

Mishinda was 26 years old, mother of 2, and had passed away from complications of Lupus on Sunday, February 24, 2013. I instantly felt my heart break (literally, I had a pain in my chest) as she began to speak about Mishinda. It pains me to hear stories of anyone lost their fight with  Lupus. Funny thing, she didn’t sound sad. She was laughing and telling me how Mishinda loved my blog and my willingness to just say whatever I wanted. Her favorite post was Am I Being A Bitch Or a Baby We laughed as I was slightly embarrassed by the title of that post. Mishinda referred to me as a pistol whipper (lol...lol...). She commented that she looked forward to my daily pictures of me smiling (I haven’t posted any pictures of my face in a while, as I’m going through a flare up and have the butterfly rash across my face ) and my reference to Lupus as Mister. 

Then, she suddenly  her tone of voice became serious. She stated that Mishinda asked her family to find me and get in contact with me because she wanted to speak to me. “ME????? “  Was my reply, as I never had any interaction with Mishinda? The family tried feverishly to find me, finally coming across my Facebook page, in which has my phone number listed. She asked me if I would attend the candle light virgil on Friday night to honor Mishinda. --- INSERT A PAUSE AND A LUMP IN MY THROAT—ME????  Ya’ll know I have a fear of public speaking. She replied- YES, we would like you to come and speak. I told her that I’m not a medical professional, I refrain from giving medical advice, and I can only speak about my experiences and my desire to bring awareness. Her reply: “BE YOU – BE THE FUNNY LUPIE CHICK THAT MISHINDA SO LOVED AND ADMIRED” [insert uncontrollable crying]. 

After I stop crying, and contacted a few friends, as I was unsure if I should attend. I questioned my ability to speak publicly (I have a MAJOR fear…. stomach is in knots RIGHT now as I think about it), I questioned what would my presence bring, can I meet Mishinda’s expectations or the families expectations, what would I stand up there and say??, sweating, stiff and straight like a statue with nothing coming outta my mouth?? [Oh my!]. All my friends encouraged me to do it and to let God guide my words. I realize the honor and blessing. I pray that I can deliver and fight through this fear.  I will attend the candle light service, and honor my lupie sister Mishinda the best way I know how. I can hear my siStar now “Sixx, You better werk hunty” (lol...lol...lol...) DO THAT!!!!!

Fam, I write this blog with no hidden agenda. My ONLY agenda is to share my life, and my experience with Lupus. I have no idea the number of people with whom my blog had inspired, made laugh, cry, or angry but I’m grateful to each and every one of you. Mishinda has encouraged me to continue to push, fight, and advocate for all Lupie Chicks. I NOW realize that Lupus is my ministry. It’s my duty to be a voice and a face for the invisible disease. Please keep me prayed up as I enter this new chapter of my life. #LupieChicks Unite!!!!!!!

Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/TheLupieChickProject

Twitter: @lupieeChick

Instagram: @naturally_lupie

Blog: http://thelupiechick.blogspot.com

Email: lupiechick@gmail.com