Infinite Possibilities

in•fi•nite / adjective
1. immeasurably great: an infinite capacity for forgiveness.
2. Indefinitely or exceedingly great: infinite sums of money.
3. unlimited or unmeasurable in extent of space, duration of time, etc.: the infinite nature of outer space.
4. unbounded or unlimited; boundless; endless: God's infinite mercy

pos•si•bil•i•ty noun, plural -ties for 2.
1. The state or fact of being possible: the possibility of error.
2. Something possible: He had exhausted every possibility but one.

Most people start the day with infinite possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. I’m a planner, for years I would choose and iron my clothes (and accessories) for the week, I would plan my meals for the week, I grocery shopped for the month. Now I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It’s very frustrating, especially when the plans change, hence my common saying “I hate change”.

My boss gave me a sticky note that says “Change Energizes Us” I wrote NEGATIVE on the note. Change makes me bonkers and I have to re strategize to make it through the day. I now live with the looming thought that today may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous.

The difference in being sick and being healthy has to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted. The hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wish I could make people understand everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. When you begin your day, most people start the day off by showering/bathing, get dressed, go to work or school, come home, eat dinner, relax, go to bed. For me- it’s open 1 eye, the other, sit up, put your legs on the floor, stand up, walk to the bathroom..GET MY DRIFT- its 100 little jobs in one. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom.