Not The End Of Me
Who am I?
I don’t know…
Had I become that person I so despise?
My thoughts
Deep, dark, and unrecognizable
Who am I?
Did I just give up?
Given up on life, love, my passions, and everything in
between
Who am I?
A cry baby
Weak
Distorted thoughts
State of confusion
Broken Spirit
Negative
Shaken
Stirred
Who am I?
A silent voice and distant eyes
That no one hears my cry’s
That no one hears my cry’s
Who am I?
Drowning in the depths of sorrow,
with no tears left to cry.
with no tears left to cry.
Who am I?
© The Lupie Chick 2013
I’ve been was battling
depression for the past 6 months. A lot of stress triggers has occurred with my relocation to
Georgia, my employment, my health, and a multitude of other things.
I leaned heavily on my sister- friends that keep praying for my recovery and strength
to come out of this dark space. I was having uncontrollable crying spells, insomnia, panic
attacks, nightmares (when I would finally sleep) and just an overall feeling of
failure. I wanted to die. In my opinion, my spirit was already dead. I was in a very dark mind space and I couldn’t
see my way out. While at one of my doctor visits, the doctor was asking me
questions and I just looked up at him (as if I was possessed by a demon) and
blurted out “I really don’t give a fuck right now.. Whatever you want to do is
fine with me, I’m ready to go” I stood up and WALKED OUT, crying as I left his
office. Later that evening I received a recorded call from Kroger pharmacy
telling me my prescription was ready. [Insert demonic look and gas face] “What damn
prescription?? I figured it was a wrong number and I ignored the message. 2
days later I received the recorded call again, I was in Kroger ( at Starbucks)
and figured I would go over there and tell them to stop calling me ( they were
using my day time minutes and I don’t have any to spare). When I reached the
counter, the pharmacist acknowledged that I did have a prescription and it was
ready.
ME: “YOU CAN KEEP IT- I HAVE
NO INSURANCE & NO MONEY!”
Pharmacist: “Ms Dugar your cost is $4 and if you have Kroger points
I can reduce that to $2” Me: [face
twisted and annoyed] fine [mumbling and grumbling]
Pharmacist: Please step to the counseling window
ME: Continue face twisting/mumbling/grumbling
Pharmacist: You have been prescribed Zoloft. Zoloft is known to
treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), posttraumatic stress
disorder (PTSD), premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), social anxiety
disorder (SAD), and panic disorder. This medicine is an antidepressant called
selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI).
ME: [insert, hand on hip, pissed off stance] so what exactly are
you saying because I didn’t ask for this?
Pharmacist: Ma’am you may want to call your physician, this
prescription was called in
ME: Yeah, I’ma call him [pulls out phone and call doctor
office]
After calming down a little and speaking
with my physician, I now understand that his prescription wasn’t an insult to
my mental stability; it was care, concern, and very well NEEDED! My physician
began to tell me he sensed that I was stressed and I was displaying signs of
depression. After finishing up the call, I went home, got on the Internet to do
additional research.“Between 15 and 60 percent of people with a chronic illness will
experience clinical depression. This may be brought on by lupus, by the various
medications used to treat lupus, and/or by any of the factors and forces in a
person’s life that are not related to lupus. For reasons that are not entirely
understood, this type of depression is often experienced by people with chronic
disease.”Lupus Foundation of America.
I encourage anyone that exhibits any of the
following to consult with a physician.
|
· Feelings of
helplessness or hopelessness
· Sadness
· Crying (often
without reason)
· Insomnia or
restless sleep, or sleeping too much
· Changes in
appetite leading to weight loss or weight gain
· Feelings of
uneasiness, anxiety, or irritability
· Feelings of guilt
or regret
· Lowered
self-esteem or feelings of worthlessness
|
· Inability to
concentrate or difficulty thinking
· Diminished memory
and recall
· Indecisiveness
· Lack of interest
in things formerly enjoyed
· Lack of energy
· General slowing
and clouding of mental functions
· Diminished sexual
interest and/or performance
· Recurrent
thoughts of death or suicide
|
I’ve exhibited 15 out of the 16
signs above. As a friend or a family member- please do not assume that a person
is having a pity party or just “need to get over it”. There were moments I
wanted to die, and a friend response to me was “oh Sixx, come on now, you’re having a pity party”. Depression is very
serious and HARD to overcome. I’m not 100% recovered (even with the help of Zoloft).
I take it day by day-sometimes-minute by
minute. When I say THANK YOU [to my my inner circle]-it’s not just 2 words. I
know I have a praying circle around me-and you’re prays has kept me covered. [
praise & testimony]
- Between 15 and 60 percent of people with a chronic illness will experience clinical depression.
- Clinical depression may be a result of the ways in which lupus physically affects your body.
- Some of the medicines to treat lupus—especially corticosteroids such as prednisone (and at higher doses of 20 mg or more)—play a role in causing clinical depression.
- Clinical depression may be a result of the continuous series of emotional and psychological stressors associated with living with a chronic illness.
- Clinical depression may be a result of neurologic problems or experiences unrelated to lupus.
- Clinical depression also produces anxiety, which may aggravate physical symptoms (headache, stomach pain, etc.).
- Two common feelings associated with clinical depression are hopelessness and helplessness. People who feel hopeless believe that their distressing symptoms may never improve. People who feel helpless believe they are beyond help—that no one cares enough to help them or could succeed in helping, even if they tried.
Keep in Touch
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Twitter: @lupieeChick
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Blog: http://thelupiechick.blogspot.com
Email: lupiechick@gmail.com
